An animal that is injured can often repair itself, whereas a rock cannot; an individual animal will ultimately die, but its species may survive for much longer than a rock can. – Chiara Marletto, The Science of Can and Can’t, pg. 11
Today’s tool is Resilience. And anything that helps you keep playing or working while you are bleeding is a Grade A tool to be learned and respected. So, sorry for the grossness, but today we talk about the Kleenex Wad of Resilience. (I’m sure you’re tough enough to keep reading.)
I’m not a huge fan of physical pain. In fact, I do my level best to avoid it. And I encourage you to avoid needless pain, too. But don’t avoid life. Life avoidance causes the greatest pain of all. Life avoidance, the killing of time, the numbing of the soul, the working for the weekend, is making billions of humans miserable. And why? Well, we have too frequently forgotten that we are Resilient. When we are Resilient we live, and problem solve, and we jump and we play – and sometimes we fight – alongside reality. When we deny our Resilience, we doom scroll or lap up fake news or focus on the trivial failings of those around us rather than our moral and spiritual liberation. In short, Resilience helps us be the best we can be within the real world as it currently is.
And before you think I’ve lost my mind, there’s nothing hoity-toity about spiritual liberation. You don’t have to think big thoughts or write sonnets or pray with the dying, meditate on a raft on the Ganges to be free (though I absolutely think those are amazing things). I assure you, playing flag football or soccer or building with Lego (or pipe cleaners!) or even giving your spouse a hug instead of a scolding can be a part of our moral and spiritual liberation. It all depends on if you are avoiding reality or embracing it, enhancing it.
The wad of Kleenex up your nose so you can keep on playing basketball (one of the kids I coach in November) is a sign of the Good Life. Lionel Messi playing with the Kleenex wad in his mouth in the 2017 El Classico also a sign of the Good Life. Likewise, the player who Resiliently came up to me and corrected one of my errors yesterday, (“Coach, I wasn’t three-in-the-key. I was moving in and out of the key.”) was also being Resilient. (I was very proud of him. Some kids find it easy to argue with the coach. Many do not. A month ago, he would have never corrected me. And, yes, I’m Resilient enough to apologize for my error. When we are Resilient we do not stoop to defensiveness. (Whereas Resilience is a tool, defensiveness is a weapon.)
I’m sure you have your own, personal example of a little way of being resilient. So take a second to remember it. Well done. Pat yourself on the back. Write it down.
On (date of event) this hardship happened: (nosebleed during game; didn’t get the job; was insulted). Instead of quitting or blaming or feeling sorry for myself, I chose to (put a wad of kleenex up my nose; keep up the job search; respond to the insult with dignity, etc.) – You, Just Now, on that note pad.
Now put that note somewhere you’ll see it. Something or someone is going to tell you are weak at some point in the near future. You’re going to need to show them that you are resilient. You might not have scored 28 El Classico goals, but I’m sure you can wad that Kleenex with the best of them.
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When we remember our Resilience and the growth it led to, we can allow it soothe us and remind us we can absolutely cope; we can deal: we don’t need to pick up our ball and go home. Our own successes are our guides for future resilience, future success. You, after all, are a human being, your foremothers and forefathers worked their tails off to get you here in one piece. We’ve survived plagues and floods and famine. Many of us even survived riding our bicycles without helmets and entire decades without the internet (Whoah!). Thus, we are Resilient. And even if you think we’ve lost some of it, that as a culture we’re becoming a little soft, you must acknolwlege we can get it back. We don’t face greater challenges than our foremothers (I mean, try living in a sod hut with your cattle), just different challenges.
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Let’s talk a minute about pain. And why good people suffer. Let’s embrace the fact that all of your happiest moments came because you turned onto reality rather than turning away from it.
When someone important to me passes away, my soul’s work was not to repress my sorrow, but to learn how to relate to it like a the locks at Lockport relate to ships. In my late twenties I learned to lower the lock to let the pain in when it was safe to do so. I would raise the lock to protect myself from the pain when other things needed my attention. More recently, I’ve achieved years of sobriety using essentially the same method. When I flooded with pain, I wanted to drink. However, if I know I am Resilient and can respond to pain – raise or lower the lock – the numbing crutch of alcohol, loses its appeal. With a lot of help and support from my people, my Resilience and I have created a virtuous cycle: I choose to stand tall and not to drink. I feel the reward of not drinking. The reward makes me not want to drink any longer, which makes it easier to not drink. And so it goes. Three and a half years of sobriety.
How’s that for Resilience? For Reality?
Long story short: Around here Resilience gets noticed. Cultivated. As do all the Tools as they arise. Therapy, after all, is the art of learning to live The Good Life on our own terms, without denying reality.
One last story:
When I found out a kid I love was playing football, I initially felt worried (she’s tough as nails, so the worry was more for her opponents than herself, but still). When I found out she was playing flag football and not tackle football, I was thrilled. Getting hurt while running, jumping, catching, and playing is inevitable. Getting hurt because someone uses their body as a projectile against you (or you against them), is entirely avoidable. Flag football is a great example of the sort of middle ground thinking we practice around here. (Imagine! All the fun without all the concussions!) And we know that, at some point, this brilliant, buoyant child will run and jump her way into a nose bleed. At that point I’m sure The Kleenex Wad of Resilience will be in full use. Both as in the real wad of Kleenex, and in the metaphorical way her parents nurture her emotionally and provide her all the TLC she needs to be resilient enough to keep on playing.
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Next Week: The difference between Resilience and Harm – Sometimes the strongest thing to do is quit.