What is a license plate but a tool for telling the world “Here I am. I’m covered. I’ll do my best, and if something goes south, I’m accountable”. This relates to our emotional, spiritual, and psychological worlds, too: We all carry ourselves a bit better when it’s clear who is responsible for what we say or do. And, of course, when we don’t take responsibility for the actions of others – though the Venn diagram there is considerable when it comes to our children or other vulnerable people.
How quick are you to take responsibility for your actions? How fast do you step up and make amends when you’ve done something wrong? If you step on someone’s toes, are you quick to say, “Sorry! I’m guessing that hurt.”
Alternately, how fast do you get defensive, shutdown, or attack others when you feel you’re in the hot seat? How quick are you to say, “You shouldn’t have been standing so close” and blame the person who’s toes you’ve stepped on.
If you believe you will be treated fairly, it is easier to take responsibility. If you believe you will be treated unfairly, you might be slower to admit fault.
I got a couple of speeding tickets last summer. At first I wanted to let myself off the hook, to make excuses. (I’ll spare you, but you likely know them all, already.) I tried to get myself all riled up and defensive. But, ultimately, that was my car and that was my license plate.
That was me.
But, what happened when I did? When I copped to it? When I owned my decision to drive above the speed limit and took accountability? Well, I immediately felt a lot better. Less defensive. I also created the best outcome for myself with regards to fines and demerits.
And, I’ve stopped speeding. It was hard at first and I resented it. But now I’m used to it.
Score:
Accountability: 3
Defensiveness: 0
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But, it’s not always so cut and dried, is it? Most of my failings don’t have radar gun read outs or traffic cam photographs. Thank goodness! So how do I know when to own up to something and when not to? When exactly does the buck stop with me and when do I just let it mosey on by?
Let’s say someone is accusing you of something that you did, technically, but not for the reasons they think you did it. Often times people will load negative reasons onto simple misunderstandings or innocent mistakes. How do we take responsibility for our actions without agreeing to our motivations. And does it matter?
(For the other side of this discussion, see: #3 The Bird Feeder of Grace.)
Twenty five years ago, before going back to school for my masters, I took a job teaching in China. It was a blast, but as a young and inexperienced ESL teacher, I made my share of mistakes. On one occasion I accused a student of plagiarism. This made me sad because, not only was the student an affable guy, but also because he went by the nickname “Panda”.* Anyhow, it was the clearest case of plagiarism you could imagine. I had his paper with his name on it and I had the book he’d copied from.
Case closed, right?
Well, put down your pipe, there Watson. When I told Panda that I wouldn’t give him a grade because he hadn’t done the assignment, he told me that he had asked me if he could memorize his answers for tests. And that I’d said, yes.**
Ahem.
So, Panda believed that I had given him permission to memorize and copy out by rote things other people had written. I thought about it and I absolutely did remember having the conversation about memorization. But, well, let’s just say my permission did not extend as far as he thought it did.
Thus, once we factor in the fact the language barrier and the fact that I, as his teacher, maybe should have asked a few more questions, I was happy to admit that had me on a technicality. A part of me was also genuinely impressed that he had put all that to memory.
So, the no fun moral of the story is that I, as the teacher, had to take responsibility for my misunderstandings and my assumptions and find compromise. I also apologizied for having assumed he had cheated on purpose. There is a massive difference, an ethical difference, between what he did and all those people who are buying papers on the internet. I likely gave him partial marks.
As a teacher, my License Plate of Responsibility had, “I will help you learn and grow. I will be fair” stamped on it. That’s how I wanted to project myself and that’s the standard I would have wanted myself, my colleagues, and my students to hold me to. If I played the blame card and gave an unreasonable punishment, that would have gone on my interpersonal drivers record with Panda.
One last note:
The YWNWA on the mock-up above stands for You’ll Never Walk Alone, (only the image generator made me add the extra “W” as in “You wIll”… rather than “You’ll”). Anyhow, it’s not only a really cheesy song and the slogan of the Liverpool Football Club – go Reds go – but also a sort of mantra around here. It matters that we know that even if we feel lonely and unloved, it’s not true. You’ll never walk alone. Now, if someone is abusive or doesn’t take responsibility for their actions, I might not be of much help to them. Healthy boundaries are a part of caring. But I’m always happy to help people who truly want help. After all, it’s a lot easier being a human if you know people care for you and are looking to see you at your best, while also acknowledging struggles and mistakes.
YNWA
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*Just in case you’re wondering, I didn’t give Panda the nickname, that would be cruel.
While we’re on the subject of pandas, my family and I went to the Giant Panda Research Base in Chengdu last summer. Highlight of our year. If you ever get a chance to meet a myriad healthy pandas, do so – just stay on your side of the fence.
**And, well, to this day I would gladly encourage anyone to memorize information they will need to know in the future. (It’s also very therapeutic. If you’re ever lying in bed at night, worrying, try going over lists of things you’ve memorized in your head. Could be NHL teams, or major waterways. The only rule there is the lists have to be something you aren’t going to worry about. If you’re worrying about work tomorrow, don’t try to mentally recite all natural disasters you can think of. You can try to name all the countries and capitals – that’s what I do at the dentist – or knitting stitches, or My Little Pony characters. Anything that is a) easy to put in a list, and b) not stress inducing in and of itself.)